King of the Mountain

King of the Mountain

When I was in elementary school we played a game we called "King of the Mountain." Everyone both girls and boys were invited to play. The object was to fight your way to the top of the dirt pile and become "King of the Mountain" until someone dethroned you. Few other girls attempted to play the game. They were content to watch from a distance. Not me. I knew I had what it took to become King.

The game began in a wild dash to the "mountain" with pushing, shoving and tripping. I was fast but never fast enough to be the first to reach the top. So, I would have to fight my way through the crowd like the rest. One boy, usually the fastest, made it to the top of the hill and immediately began defending his territory.

On one particular day while playing "King of the Mountain" I found myself really kicking some serious butt. I was totally unstoppable. I had in some miraculous moment become the Incredible Hulk. I must have been pissed off that day and was taking my anger out on the boys. At any rate, the boy at the top could see the fire in my eyes and the way I was throwing the other boys off the mountain like rag dolls.

Suddenly, he yelled," Stop that girl! Don't let her get to the top! No stupid girl can be King of the Mountain!" For a moment everyone stopped. Even I stopped. Then it happened, every boy came at me. They grabbed me and carried me off the mountain and threw me to the ground. A mighty cheer went up! They had won!

I sat in a heap of dust with tears of humiliation running down my cheeks. The boys were laughing and congratulating each other. They were all standing on the mountain top together laughing at the girl in the dirt. The girls who were watching only shook their heads as if to say," dumb girl."

Fast forward now from an elementary playground to a District Council Meeting were an ordination service is taking place. Soon three young men will become Ordained Ministers with the Assembly of God denomination. Among them, two former Bible school classmates and my husband. I had graduated recently with the three ordination candidates from the same Bible College with the same Bible degree. Of the four I had the second highest grade point average and had graduated with honors. Yet, I was not allowed on the mountain that night. Instead I was seated in the front row among the wives of the ordination candidates. The other two wives were beaming with pride while I was fighting back bitter tears of disappointment.

Just a few weeks before, I was told by the District Officials that I didn't need ordination since my husband was being ordained. Never mind that I wanted to be ordained, had worked my butt off to be ordained and deserved to be ordained! Yet, no one stood up for me. Not my husband, not my fellow classmates, not even the ordained women in my District. It was "King of the Mountain" all over again.

The humiliation I felt on the playground as a small girl was multiplied a hundred times that night during the Ordination service. The pain it woke up in me only grew with the additional injustices, discrimination, sexism, homophobia and rejection I endured at the hands of the church for over 30 years. A church where a Male Deity is seated on the throne....and no stupid girl is ever going to be King of the Mountain!

Outside of the Circle

Outside of the Circle

Once upon a time I lived Inside the Circle with almost everyone else I knew. Living Inside the Circle was a way of life for most people and few dared to live outside of it. We were told Truth resided within the Circle. To go outside of the Circle would mean certain death. We were also promised an eternity of good things if we stayed close to the Center of the Circle.

Like many others I felt a special calling in my life to promote life Inside the Circle. I went to a special school to be trained on how to expand the Circle all over the world. I was good at talking about the Circle. I loved being in the Center of the Circle more than anything in life. 

Then one day I read a book from Outside of the Circle. I was shocked! I expected the book to be full of lies and deceitful teaching. Instead the book contained beauty, clarity and universal principles. I found the book from Outside of the Circle to make more sense than the book from Inside the Circle. 

Slowly and somewhat painfully I began the process of moving toward the outer edges of the Circle. It was scary to be moving away from the only reality I had known, but each step toward the Edge was renewing my mind in a wonderful way. Little by little the fog that had filled my existence was lifting and I was able to see the real world for what it really is-strange yet beautiful. 

I felt like I was waking up from a dream world of make believe. A world with a god who was in absolute control. A world where you were constantly confused and baffled by the inconsistencies in the book you were required to believe. A world were questions and doubts were as deadly as treason. A world were morals were forced by either the promise of reward or the threat of punishment. 

I remember the day I took my first step Outside of the Circle. I had been hoovering around the edge for several months. Once or twice I stuck my toe over the line. I was testing the waters. The least bit of resistance would cause me to jerk my toe back across the line. I would shiver with fear waiting for a lightening bolt from heaven to strike me dead. Nothing happened.

Then it hit me! Not a lightening bolt, as I had expected, but a shot of reason from within my own mind. Living Inside of the Circle had conditioned me against the very thought of leaving the Circle. The power of the Circle was Fear. The only way to break the power of Fear was to face it head on. And that is what I did!

I squared my shoulders, took responsibility for my life and Walked out of the Circle! Now I can easily look back at the Circle and see all the things I couldn't see while I was Inside of the Circle.

 

Today I am living life Outside of the Circle and finding new vistas of freedom all around me. I've learned too much to ever go back.

The Pearls of Coming Out Atheist

Pearl Moment Coming....

The Pearls of Coming Out Atheist

My best friend from Bible college called me last night. We talked for a long time. She asked me if I was in the Word and I said," no I am an atheist now." My heart was in my throat as the words came out my mouth. There was a brief silence and then it happened.

Much to my surprise we had a very pleasant conversation. My friend listened to me. She asked questions. She was loving and patient as I explained how I came to my current position. She didn't try to talk me out of my beliefs although she admitted that my "news" was blowing her mind.

We often hear about the perils of coming out as an atheist but we seldom hear about the pearls. Those moments when there is space to tell your story and someone actually listens without trying to change you. I call those gifts of friendship "pearl moments."

 Pearl moments happen when two people open themselves up to understanding each other without feeling the need to debate, change or shame each other. Those moments are rare, precious and life giving. Those moments are a gift given from a place of love. Those moments allow us to grow and to remain open to different perspectives. Those moments keep us from becoming inflexible and rigid.

As I reflect on the past month, I can see several other pearl moments as I have been coming out as an atheist. The first moment was with my partner. Then my mom. Then my pastor and now my best friend from Bible college.

All of these women have been gracious to me. All of them have given me a beautiful "pearl" and I wish to simply say," thank you."

THE "F" WORD

THE "F" WORD

Have you ever noticed how some people are so in love with the "f" word. It's like the only word in their universe. They hold onto it for dear life. It's the center of their entire existence. Every other word out of their mouth is the "f" word. "F" this and "f" that. The "f" word is in their songs, on their bumper stickers and plastered on plaques that hang on their walls. If you go to their meetings you are sure to hear the "f" word hundreds of times. Even their children are taught the "f" word and are encouraged to use it on a daily basis!

I know I used to adore the "f" word when I was a born again, tongue talking holy roller. I was down right proud of how the "f" word described my life. I wanted to be a woman of the "f" word. I wanted my children to grow up with the "f" word flowing out of their mouths. But, all that has changed now.

Now I am allergic to the "f" word. I break out in a sweat and near panic attack anytime the "f" word is spoken. I don't want to be around the people of the "f" word because they can't stop promoting the fictitious virtues of the "f" word.  Next to God and Jesus, I would say the "f" word is the most important word in their holy scriptures.They would cease to exist if they lost the "f" word.

So, how could I go from adoring the "f" word to loathing the "f" word? Well, it took me over thirty years of living the "f" word life to finally get sick of it. It took painful experience after painful experience to see that the "f" word was not the answer to all of life's most pressing questions. In fact the "f" word kept me from seeking any other possible answers or solutions. I was stuck in the kingdom of the "f" word like a prisoner on a desert island....until I discovered the true meaning of the "f" word.

For over thirty years I believed that FAITH was the only way to live your life. Faith was the substance of things hoped for, without faith it was impossible to please God and the just should live by faith....the Bible uses the "f" word over 200 hundred times. As a side note: Many Christians confuse the "f" word with the word "hope". I still like the "hope" word, even an atheist can use that word....but, not the "f" word. I've come to see that faith is pretending to know something you don't know.  It takes faith (pretending to know something you don't know) to believe in a God who's existence can not be proven. You have to pretend to know something you don't know to be saved.

 Faith (pretending to know something you don't know) is taking a huge leap into the unknown. Faith (pretending to know something you don't know) is jumping over reality or ignoring reality in order to embrace something that is plainly irrational. Faith (pretending to know something you don't know)is a fairy tale. Faith (pretending to know something you don't know) may make us feel better but, it isn't based on facts, science or reason. In the end, the "f" word (pretending to know something you don't know) will fail you.

The best thing I ever did was to stop living the "f" word life and to start living in reality. Reality is so much more ....well real. No more trying to sugar coat life and death. No more easy answers to incredibly hard questions. No more jumping through faith (pretending to know something you don't know) hoops to please a God you can't truly know or know exists except of course by pretending to know something you don't know.

So why not join the millions of people around the world who've stopped using the "f" word and start living in reality...

It beats pretending to know something you don't know .

America is NOT Church

If there was one message I wish fundamentalist Christians would get it's this:

                               America is not Church!

 Yet, many fundamentalist Christians believe America is Church. You can see it in the way they talk about gay rights, abortion, immigration and welfare. These far right Christians think they have the authority to tell American citizens how to live based on ancient scriptures found in their Bible.  These overly zealous believers think the President should be our national pastor, Congress should be our deacons and the Supreme Court should be our elders.

There's a reason we don't have a cross on our flag!  Our nation was built to promote a secular government. A government for the people by the people who would keep the wall of separation between church and state in tact. We must not allow God crazed Christians to continue to blur the lines between government and religion. Freedom of religion is worthless without freedom from religion.

One of the most dangerous trends in Christianity today is the merging of nationalism and this twisted Christian faith. This mixing can only happen when Christian zealots think America is Church.  Images of Christians holding a Bible, a gun and an American Flag are becoming common place in our nation.  I once saw a picture of a house with two signs on the front yard fence. One sign said," As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" the other sign said,"This property is protected by Smith and Wesson."

I am getting the impression that some Christians have abandoned the meek and mild Jesus of the Gospels for the sword welding Christ of Revelation. The threat of hell doesn't work anymore, but the threat of a Remington might. The open displaying and coupling of guns, Bibles and flags is a chilling image meant to intimidate the freedom loving American populace. The message received is convert or die! You might think this is a far fetched interpretation but ask yourself how do you feel when you see a Muslim with a sword, Koran and ISIS flag?

Keeping religion out of our government is the only way to ensure a free America. The only way to keep religion out of government is to vote in politicians who respect the separation of church and state. So, get out this November and vote!

 Stars and Stripes Forever!

Turning Down the God Noise

 

When I became a Christian at age 17 I was looking for clarity in a world of teen age confusion. Most of my friends were just beginning to experiment with alcohol, drugs and sex. They would invite me to join them on the weekends to experience the "worldly" pleasures of sin. I would turn them down because I was afraid of the consequences. Fear of alcohol, drugs and sex led me straight into the arms of God.

God was a safe place for a scared teenager to hideout. Being religious gave me a reason to say no to the temptations in the big bad world. Living a life of faith allowed me to turn down the noise of the outside world and to retreat into the quietness of God. That quietness didn't last long however, in due time it was replaced by another kind of noise. God Noise.

God noise is the result of indoctrination.  Indoctrination is the mission of the church. They call it making disciples. Every action in the church has one purpose, namely to get the God noise in your head. It operates much like an ear worm. An ear worm is a song or part of a song which lodges into your brain. It plays over and over like a loop. At first you think it's really cool because you can remember the words but after awhile the ear worm dominates your thinking and runs interference in your brain.

God noise works just like an ear worm. It gets stuck in your brain. You can't think without the noise running interference. Bible verses and bad theology pop into your head faster than a lighting bolt. You base your decisions on the pre-packaged interpretations of ancient scripture verses and thundering sermons. The God noise becomes a filter, a lens a worldview. You can't get the God song out of your head! God noise takes over until you can't think using your own reason or logic.

Atheism is a way to turn down the God noise in your head. The lack of a belief in god or gods is the volume knob. Make no mistake there's still plenty of God noise in the world. Religions constantly shout their messages from the roof top and turning down the volume will take a concerted effort from the secular world but, when it comes to the God noise in my own head... I am finally in control of the volume knob.

Losing Faith

Have I lost my faith?  Lately I've been asking myself this very question.  My short and simple answer would be no. I did not 'lose' my faith,  I out grew my faith. To lose faith implies a kind of carelessness or lack of attention. I've lost my sunglasses, my car keys and numerous other things from time to time. Sometimes I find them again with intense searching and sometimes I never recover them.

Yet, on the matter of religious faith I can truly say that I did not 'lose' it in some careless sense of the word. I have out grown the need for religious faith  like a child outgrows the need for training wheels on a bicycle.  There's a time when a child is happy to have training wheels.  When they have not yet mastered the art of balance and motion on two wheels it is necessary for them to have the safety and comfort of training wheels.  But the day will come when the training wheels need to be discarded if the child is to master the art of bicycle riding. The child will be glad to see the ugly appendages go and will experience a freedom such as they never experienced while their bike was burdened down with the bulky  training wheels.

For most religious persons the mere thought of losing faith is very frightening. It terrifies believers to imagine having to ride the bicycle of life without the training wheels of faith.  Like a child they have no confidence in their own  ability to balance the bicycle so they cling to the training wheels. I used to hear people say "religion is a crutch" and I would be angry because I was a religious person. I was offended that they viewed my faith as a crutch...thus implying that I was a cripple or too weak to stand on my own.  My being offended by the saying didn't change the fact that is true.

For many Christians to lose one's faith is to lose one's salvation. This is so because Christian theology rest completely on the concept of faith. Faith must constantly be exalted over reason or scientific facts. The Bible must be believed in absolutely and completely even if it is unreasonable, unscientific and filled with myths derived in part from Jewish fables and outright paganism. 

Of course, the true believer seldom if ever investigates the factual history of Christianity.  It surprises me that long time believers have never studied the true origins of the Christian religion.  If they would apply the same critical analysis to their own religion as they do to Judaism or Islam, they would find that Christianity is as absurd as they are. 

Having just made the above statement, I wish to say in regards to the person of Jesus. From what I have learned over the years no one can prove 100% the existence of the first century Jewish man named "Jesus".  If such a man did exist and the accounts of the gospels true, Jesus would be appalled at the faith that bears his name. 

As you can see, I have much to say about religious faith and most of it is not flattering. The greatest harm has been done in the lives of countless persons on the planet from this kind of "faith".  When I was a person of faith, I did and said many, many foolish things all in the name of God.  And then slowly, painfully, carefully, tearfully, diligently, studiously, I began to challenge my faith just as I had challenged the LDS faith, the Jehovah Witness faith, the Muslim faith, the Hebrew faith. I found that they are all the same in that they all make mighty claims, demand blind faith and lead you down a dark empty dead end street.

Oh, how easy it is to have 'faith'....oh, how hard it is to outgrow it!  To lose it in a careless sense would be easy and I suppose there are those who do, but some of us did not lose it in that way, no we won our freedom through the diligent use of our minds. To outgrow religious faith is to know freedom, sanity and wholeness again.